Learning to Live After Loss

Here I sit at 4:40am and think to myself if this was 3 months ago I would have been up right now to go pee, not thinking about the what-if’s. I would have been 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant today and still, I honestly can’t believe my baby is no longer with me.

Even though I wasn’t very far along compared to some others, only 15 weeks 6 days pregnant, I felt a lot for my baby in that time. I dreamed about her, talked to her, listened to her dad talk to her, made plans for her and even tried to choose things for her.

Thankfully, though, I never really allowed myself to buy things for her and fill up a room in anticipation. Maybe it was because I didn’t know if she was a boy or girl. I didn’t know if I wanted her to have gender neutral things. I didn’t know if I wanted to breastfeed her, buy toys, socks, blankets… I just hadn’t allowed myself to do what others immerse themselves in at that point in pregnancy.

Maybe that means I lost out a little on the joy of pregnancy. But, in the end, I am happy that I know my baby is in a better place. She was born sleeping and is in paradise waiting for her dad and me.

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