Saying Farewell to a Hopeful Month

I’m not very open about the plans I have made on moving forward after my loss but feel it’s a great way to share my story, or even just document it, by making these posts.
While I haven’t had a lot of time to make any posts recently I decided today would be a great day to get back on track after my doctors appointment.

Much to my surprise, my feelings or emotions were not toyed with as much as I had originally thought.
I began a treatment plan 2 months ago to try and get pregnant again with a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
The first month was the tester month to see how I reacted to Clomid (which is what I used when I got pregnant with my daughter) and Ovidrel (trigger shot, makes you ovulate).

My RE requires you to have a baseline ultrasound on day 1 of your cycle and will then determine if you can move forward with taking Clomid. If you’re good to go, they will advise you to take it days 3 to 7 or 5 to 9 of your cycle. Then they have you come back around day 12 to 14 of your cycle to check if you have any mature follicles. From that scan they then determine when you should use your trigger shot and then advise you to wait 15 days before taking a urine pregnancy test. At that point you either call them with the results if your luckily pregnant or your period would have started and you call back to start the lovely process all over again.

I reacted well to the dose my RE prescribed (100mg) and had one dominant follicle at 18mm and several others in the 14, 13, 12 and 10mm range. Since my RE will allow triggering with an 18mm follicle, I triggered when she advised me to and then undertook the most obsessive activity one can possibly do; testing out a trigger shot. While it’s kind of fun, I find that you end up relying on the tests too much and eventually end up heartbroken that your tests don’t start out positive, fade to negative and then back to positive; meaning you’re pregnant (which is what happened to me the first time).
Sadly, this cycle ended up a bust…

Onto cycle two. Same drill. Ultrasound showed I was good to go, took the Clomid, got my mid-cycle scan that showed my largest follicle at 12mm. The rest of them were 11mm and smaller. They were also able to see my lining was thin and put me on Estrogen twice a day to thicken that up as well.
But, I have to say I was disappointed in the results; both for the lining and follicle size. But, my RE said given that follicles grow 1 to 2 mm per day I should trigger 4 days later, which I followed. Sadly, this cycle has not ended yet. I am now 5 days past my normal cycle length and have yet to get a full blown period…..

…to be continued.

My pPROM Experience

I have yet to come across another person in my daily life who has experienced pPROM. While I do know of some that have experienced PROM, I just can’t find one who has experienced the much earlier version of this. Yes, PROM sounds like it can be quite nerve racking from what I have read, but, pPROM is a little more concerning as it can happen as early as 12 weeks (although not likely).

For those of you who don’t know what pPROM or PROM are, allow me to explain.

PROM is know as premature rupture of membranes. This occurs when your water breaks before you’re actually in labor (happening at 37 weeks+). In most cases this causes labor and you’ll deliver your baby shortly after the rupture. What is more concerning, though, is pPROM or preterm premature rupture of membranes. This condition means your water breaks anytime before 37 weeks of pregnancy. In some cases, like mine, it can happen early in your second trimester (mine occurred at 15 weeks 4 days, I delivered at 15 weeks 6 days).

Thankfully PROM and pPROM are not that common. PROM occurs in less than 15 percent of pregnancies while pPROM occurs in less than 3 percent of pregnancies.

I’ve found that you are most at risk if you smoke, have certain STDs, have BV (bacterial vaginosis), have placental abruption, had previous early membrane rupture, have chronic vaginal bleeding during pregnancy or are carrying multiples.

In my case, I had none of these; which leads me to believe I was just unlucky. From what I recall, my water broke on a Friday and I went to the doctor to be checked. She confirmed it was my water that had broken and laid out all of the possible outcomes for my situation. Before I left, they drew my blood to test me for infection and noted that my white blood cell count was a little elevated but not in the area of established infection (didn’t find this out until the day after delivered my daughter). From the time my water broke, it took 2 days for labor to set in, which looking back was probably the two longest days of my life.

That Sunday I felt like I was getting cramps and decided to go in as my doctor said any cramping or bleeding would require me to go to the hospital immediately. Once there she checked me and confirmed I was 3 cm dilated and already in labor. When they drew my blood she was able to tell that infection had set in from my white blood cell count and an elevated temperature. They started me on IV antibiotics and told me if I felt any pain they could give me an epidural or morphine. Since I anticipated the pain would be bad, as they mentioned was likely, I kept thinking the pain I felt wasn’t so bad and just waited for it to get worse. By the time my doctor came back to check me (less than 2 hours later) she felt my baby’s feet and said it was time to push. At that point, I think my adrenaline kicked in because I literally felt nothing. It took 1 push to get her out and it felt like a big gush.

I think this may be the only moment I will remember forever. After my baby came out, I looked at the panel on the ceiling of clouds in the sky. I started to cry and so did the nurse holding my hand. My doctor wrapped my baby in a towel, looked at me and I remember the look in her eyes was like she wanted to give me one last opportunity, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it; so I shook my head no and she asked the nurse to take my baby to the nursery.

Some days I wonder if I made the right decision, or if I should have looked at her, held her, talked to her…but I knew at that moment I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to remember her like that. I wanted to remember her as I pictured her in my mind. And that is where she will always be; as well as in my heart.

Learning to Live After Loss

Here I sit at 4:40am and think to myself if this was 3 months ago I would have been up right now to go pee, not thinking about the what-if’s. I would have been 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant today and still, I honestly can’t believe my baby is no longer with me.

Even though I wasn’t very far along compared to some others, only 15 weeks 6 days pregnant, I felt a lot for my baby in that time. I dreamed about her, talked to her, listened to her dad talk to her, made plans for her and even tried to choose things for her.

Thankfully, though, I never really allowed myself to buy things for her and fill up a room in anticipation. Maybe it was because I didn’t know if she was a boy or girl. I didn’t know if I wanted her to have gender neutral things. I didn’t know if I wanted to breastfeed her, buy toys, socks, blankets… I just hadn’t allowed myself to do what others immerse themselves in at that point in pregnancy.

Maybe that means I lost out a little on the joy of pregnancy. But, in the end, I am happy that I know my baby is in a better place. She was born sleeping and is in paradise waiting for her dad and me.